The Universal Guru

Amar Sneh

     The scientists of an alien of a far off planet got a special clue while they were studying the sound of distinct collective signals they were receiving. They all gathered to discuss the issue and finally their secret agents kidnapped a resident from the earth and brought him on their planet. They kept the specimen safe in the life saving glass capsule fitted with signal and voice transmitting gadgets.  

     After sometime a group of alien scientists gathered around the glass capsule and they began buzzing around with great curiosity. The specialist and the academicians engaged in the study and observation of the specific area on the earth from where the specimen was picked up, they were seen the first to come forward. The earth-dweller is not so happy seeing unattractive small tiny robot type aliens around him. Innumerous aliens are seen wearing dress like silver colored mantles; in place of their eyes big hollow pits of madness are seen; the aliens too are watching and inspecting this earth-dweller with great curiosity.

finalAll the alien scientists and experts are in great astonishment seeing this variegated strange creature wrapped in clothes from head, trunk to bottom. Seeing his long stout tuft on his head, they began imagining that this must be a naturally grown special antenna with which the earth-dwellers must be doing studies and investigations of things present on long distant other planets and this might also be possible that it could be a detonator of nuclear warhead – with all possibilities of pros and cons, all the scientists are seen busy studying, observing and inspecting this peculiar specimen brought from the earth. Even the earth-dweller was keenly looking at them with broad opened eyes full of anxiety. The aliens appeared somewhat apprehensive and frightened, but they soon became very normal after conducting all the scientific tests and observations.

     One of the aliens, a senior in cadre, came forward, who was very slim and taller than the rest, wearing sparkling blue robe and has a bluish glow all around him, while observing the earth-dweller in curiosity, he activated an electronic decoding gadget, which had an arrangement to transmute and interpret the earth-dweller’s language into alien’s language and vise versa. The senior alien while welcoming the earth-dweller on their planet said, “Hey, the great and respected earth-dweller, it is our pleasure and we are fortunate to welcome you as our guest of honor on this planet.”  In response to his welcoming note the Earth-dweller hissed in surprise and said, “It means you people have kidnapped me; all the while I was thinking that I was roaming in a dream world, I mean I was witnessing a dream.” There was laughter all around in aliens at his remark. The senior alien in a very composed tone addressed the earth-dweller, “From the very beginning you all people have been in habit of delightfully roaming in the dream world; well, at this time you are on an another planet and you have been brought here on a special purpose and mission. Before you were picked up from the earth, in your discourse, you said, like other gurus are always professing and claiming that your country on the earth is the Universal Guru; we would like to know whether your country is The Universal Guru in reality?”

—- We were, we are and we shall remain the universal guru. This truth is god’s creation; our being the universal guru is unchangeable, unalterable and inflexible, besides it is immortal and eternal. We are blessed with complete knowledge of this world and the world here after, the sky, the subterranean region, the universe besides knowledge of all seen and unseen things in this universe. We have sciences, arts, and knowledge in abundance of occult and miraculous powers; we are the universal gurus in all the disciplines and faculties. We have thorough knowledge of the soul, super soul, unconcealed – mysteries, animate –inanimate; life-lifeless with profoundness of studies in each of it. Science is mere a trifle thing; it is of insignificance for us. We can make any impossible thing possible with power of our enlightenment, penance, charms-spells and sacred sacrifices and we can attain and achieve anything from it. In profound ecstasy through yogic practice sages relinquish their soul to end the life at their will; they can let the soul travel through out the entire universe and make the soul enter the body again. Our yogis already have the power to visit any planet without any satellites or sputniks. Ages before our saints constructed a stair from the planet earth straight to heaven. Are you aware of the fact that purest of pure river Ganges flow on our land and just by one dip in its water all the sins are washed off; this facility of getting rid of all sins is not available anywhere in the universe, do you all know this? We are the only Universal Gurus; we only have given the knowledge of science and spirituality to the entire world. Those who accept our refuge get the emancipation from the cycle of births and rebirth —–And by the way –on what purpose you have brought me here?

    They were pricked up by their ears listing to the statements of the earth-dweller full of arrogance; they were all taken aback and there was a dead silence amongst the aliens gathered there. Totally flabbergasted they began looking at one another. The senior alien with composed tone spoke, “We very much appreciate and honor your people’s knowledge, archaic lore and various disciplines of studies, but before that our experts, who have gathered complete data from your region and have the deep knowledge of your region on your planet, would like to ask you some questions and if you convince and satisfy us, we shall accept you as our respectful gurus and we would like to come under your wings to derive your patronage in learning and benefiting from your lore and knowledge of sciences.”

The earth-dweller superciliously put on a gesture of arrogance and in deep-throated voice said, “We have ritualistic conditions.”

— What are the conditions?

— In return of the question answer session you shall have to give Guru-Gift and if at all you agree, then only you can ask questions.  

The aliens were startled and they began a mute deliberation to reach consensus and finally the senior gave the consent —– It is alright, but what shall be the Guru-Gift?

—- That shall be told when its appropriate time comes.

The senior requested the experts on the subject to go ahead with their queries — the experts began asking questions, “Hey, the most excellent earth-dweller – innumerous gurus have claimed that whosoever comes for a refuge under them such person or persons are totally emancipated from the rebirth cycle and they are sent out permanently from the earth, under the circumstances why your country’s population is bloating at this enormous rate? Besides this, you also keep propagating that so and so guru is a reincarnation of such such Guru or God and sometimes self-declaration is also done pronouncing self as reincarnation, all this, is it not paradoxical and self contradicting, therefore we would like to ask the Universal Guru, if emancipation from rebirth is true, then the world would be empty of human race one day. Why all these gurus want to vacate the humans from the earth? This may or may not be true, but is it a simple philosophy?     

The experts waited for a while expecting a reply; in the response the universal guru neighed like a horse and then assuming composed gesture placidly he urged the interrogators to continue asking further questions, but the aliens demanded the answer for this question first. Again he neighed, “I do respect your inquisitiveness, but the short and sweet answer to your query is that whosoever accept the refuge and shelter of Guru and serve the guru with utmost devotion gets the answers automatically, besides revealing all such mysteries and secrets is against ethics and code of religious conduct — you may ask another question.”

Oh! Is it like this? The ashrams, places of religious assemblies, seats of deity,   religious-organizations, and temples have occupied thirty-three percent of the national land. Sometimes only gurus and clergies perform religious services there and the buildings and the high-rise mansions are normally empty; on the remaining lands, moneyed and builders are spreading their wings and these people are making enormous money out of such properties. Newly constructed cities by builders are seen empty like ashrams, but in your country seventy percent common-man is struggling to find a shelter, under such situation your claims and contentions of humanist, does it not sound hollow and useless?

 “They are also human, who are fortunate to have everything in abundance. According to scriptures the interference of constitution in the ordinance of destiny is incorrect. God’s system is far bigger than democratic system” saying so the guru gave remaining answer wearing a diplomatic looks.

Is there a conspiracy in your promotion of fatalism in high pitched voices and rote learnt knowledge? In which a large number of population is kept as uneducated slaves, who are kept deprived of living normal respectful life as human. Is it not an intellectual conspiracy? Your fatalism favoring the fortunate under the shelter of god’s ordinance of destiny also sounds to us as a part of that conspiracy. If this is what you strongly believe in, then all your lore of Tantra – Mantra and spiritual attainments aren’t they useless and meaningless? ——- You claim and boast that with the power of all those lore you can get whatever you desire and nothing seems to be impossible for you. —- Why then do you not make use of all these lore to fight against frequent happenings of natural disasters, every year some parts of your country either suffer from famines or some with floods. Why no efforts are made when the fact of the matter is that your country is reined and reeled under poverty, hunger, filthy –unhygienic conditions, diseases etc.  Is there no substance in your lore you boast of? Is it not meant only for the selfish motives of gurus, pundits and clergies like you? Is it not tactical instrument to prove your superiority of projecting your arrogance of so called expertise and proficiency of the knowledge?

— First and foremost thing, I must tell you here is that we have a firm faith in naturalism and natural disasters are nature oriented. Now if you talk of poverty and the state of helplessness, then it is imperative here to state that we firmly believe in fatalism, besides whatever our rulers of the country are doing today and whatever aftermath arises from it, every happening is in accordance with the scriptures. Every year tens of thousands of tons of food grains rotting in the granaries and warehouses are distributed through fare-price-shops, besides serving the same rotten grains preparations to school children during their lunch hours; selling the rotten grains in the black-market by adulterating it with other flours, all these are happening routinely due to our spiritual mentality. We wish and long that the poor masses, which are shelter-less, helpless, with no work and no bread earnings, scarcity-stricken should be emancipated without a refuge of any guru. This is also one of the methods of achieving liberation form here to eternity or to say infinity; these methods are in abundance with our government, our society and non-governmental agencies. —– Yes — Any more questions –?

Injustice, unaccountability, sinecurism, senseless, insensitivity, unprincipled, wickedness, immorality, self-centeredness, dissimulation and hypocrisy of religiousness all this is the reality and essence of today’s Indian mentality; are you all doing anything else other than the mockery of humanity? Is it not that the foundation of your nation and society is done based on all these vices? Where an honest and sincere men find themselves most unfit to sustain. — In your country, I suppose, hardly any food stuff might have been spared from adulteration and spuriousness. Possibly not a single business of useful material to human is left out without forgery and falsity. Where there is no justice; where tens of thousands of people are dying due to such businesses. Where on the inch and inch of land there is a rule of anarchy. Where every government office, every ministry is a den of looting the government treasury and it is a shop of bribery; Where the people by nature are arrogant, bad-tempered, uncouth, rude, ill-mannered, foul-mouthed, unskilled, work-thief, crafty and characterless. Where people by virtue of their habits are dishonest, double mouthed (duplicity), adamant, religious fanatics, liars and opportunists barring a few exceptions; where murder, loot, rape is not so serious matter; where exploitation and insulting treatment to weaker section is most common; where the facilities meant for common man and their dreams, aspiration are snatched by the influential, there your claim of being the greatest in the world seems hollow and worthless. Under today’s prevailing circumstances the signs of greatness are not seen at all —What do you have to say —The universal guru?        

In the response to this unpleasant, obnoxious observations of the aliens, Guru Maharaj gave a very calm composed smile and then uttered in his sweet eloquent tone, “All the current state of affairs are in accordance with the religious beliefs. When such irreligiousness shall further aggravate, then only the god shall appear in his new avatar; the god himself made prophesy that the proper time for him to take new avatar is when the religion collapses. We all religious gurus are anxiously waiting for the devout sight of the lord. Saying so tears rolled down on guru’s cheek and then he closed his eyes taking deep breath and murmured in unclear voice, “Hey, Lord — Soon irreligiousness shall certainly attain its zenith. All your devotees are very much anxious to spend the remaining life with you and with the herd-girls dancing in a circle and with you in the centre playing sweet flute with Radha besides you.”  

The aliens recorded and listened Guru Maharaj’s low frequency mumble on a very sensitive recorder. One of the alien got up smiling and began his conversation, “Hey amorous and sensuous Guru Maharaj, there flourishes romantic atmosphere like harem in most of the ashrams in your country. Practice of amorousness and epicure is a daily routine of the ashrams. In last ten years so many guru maharaj have proclaimed themselves as reincarnation of Lord Krishna. Recently a young beauty stretched the sensuality of an incarnated maharaj so long that he landed straight into the courtroom facing criminal trial. —- Hey, Guru Maharaj, most of your ashrams is den of drug-trafficking, prostitution, exploiting young women luring them to sexuality; illegal land- seizing, amassing excessive money by emotional blackmailing. Ashrams are coming to limelight for cases of rapes. Some time back one swami after released on bail from the jail on the charges of rape was seen performing holy-pyre rituals with great fervor.  

 The Guru Maharaj straightened and normalized his frown and began his explanation in very soft sweet tone, “Hey, you residents of unknown planet, spiritualism is very intricate and mysterious. That Swami performed that act of spirituality to transmute his inner disturbance to attain world-peace. The blast and explosion in the attainment of self tranquility might force someone to indulge in rape and just imagine the power it generates to attain world-peace through vital strength of Yoga —- Oh! What a greatness of Yogic power. It is very natural that unwillingness while trying to attain yogic power through amorous act resulting in rape and besides referring to romantic-acts (Raas-Lila) it is a sense of fulfillment of attaining oneness with god and in the fulfillment Rass-Lila is inevitable. As such, the core Saivite image of cosmogony as the flowering of consciousness and sexual union rather than the sacrificial act. All this reflects intricacy and mysteriousness of spirituality and rest —all that happens is simply the god’s wish and whatever is there it is diffused and prevalent in the wishes of god.

On hearing pompous arguments safeguarding the malaise charges everybody hung their looks down and began thinking, while some were smiling in sarcasm; they began deliberation and exchanged their views. After a while some alien came forward and stood facing the earth-dweller and said, “You great soul from the earth, you must be fully aware of the globalization of scientific advents. You claim that you only have given the entire knowledge of all the disciplines of lore and sciences to the world; in brief we would like to know petty things from you for our knowledge. In your ashram there are numerous appliances like lights, fans, Air-conditioners, refrigerators, geysers etc. tell us which one of these were invented by you. Can you claim that you invented locomotives, cars, airplanes? Well forget this – Well we grant you some credit for Toilet WC (Water Closet) since we found that 26th century BC: Flush toilets were first used in the Indus Valley Civilization. The cities of Harappa and Mohenjo-daro had a flush toilet in almost every house, attached to a sophisticated sewage system, but did you invent Television, for which your gurus have hankering to see their faces on its screen? Did you invent TV Camera and its technology of telecasting? Which scientific invention can you claim?           

— Hey, you fools you talk about the miraculous marvels; do you know our lord Hanuman took the Sun in his mouth — Wearing as a footwear the charmed inscription of  Shri-Symbolic device, our yogis used to roam in the space. There in North America in the state of Washington on the way to the Mount Rainier there is a lake, where our Narad Muni (naard maunaI), a great sage, visited the site, this information is inscribed on the placard there at the site. I hope you all must be very well aware of the epic of Ocean-Churning called as Samudra Manthan (samaud` maMqana)?    

Aliens began gazing one another in amazement; just then an alien expert remembered something and then spurted, “Yes! Yes, that allegory of Mount Meru was kept in the ocean and Shesh-serpent was tied around the mountain, while the gods on one end of serpent and demons on the other end to churn the ocean, but just tell me one thing – you claim that the earth is rotating on the hood of Shesh-serpent.

— So what?

— No I just want to know for my information

— Yes! Go ahead

— The churning must have lasted for very long – I do not understand where the earth must have been for so long since Shesh-serpent was kept busy oscillating the Mount Meru in the churning process.

At this mocking remark, Guru Maharaj’s eyebrows got stretched in rage and he strongly articulated, “Look! There is no reasoning in the matters of religion — Do you get me.    

— For enhancement of our knowledge base, please tell us, The Mount Meru as a churner used in churning the ocean then the marine lives bones and flesh in the process must have turned into a paste form; do you call that paste as nectar?

— In furious tone the Guru Maharaja retorts, “Whatever our ancestors drew out was nectar and shall remain as nectar, there is no need to reason it out. Yes! We mentioned this allegory with altogether a different purpose.

—- Then let us know the purport and its purpose.

The Guru Maharaja in gaining ground became bit calm while smiling said, “How fortunate you all are since you people are the first to whom this story is narrated — There are stories hidden in stories and the learned, pundits, seers bring it to light only on an appropriate occasion, so concentrate and listen — there was one unknown saint. After the ocean-churning was over, the Mount Meru was lifted and kept safely in his thatched hut.

—- It’s a matter of surprise, how come such a big mountain used as a churner of an ocean was kept safe and that too in a hut?

— Oh, it was kept there just like the ocean-churning was done — No interruptions permitted during the narration of tale; did I not tell you that there are no reasoning in the matter concerning religion —- So, the mountain was kept in the hut of the unknown seer. The seer was no ordinary hermit; he was a great ascetic — When he realized that the outsiders are looting the self-earned lore, knowledge, sciences from this pious-land, he sat in a penance and began urging Lord Brahma, whereupon the lord appeared before him in appreciation of his great penance and he was very much pleased; the lord asked the seer for the problem he was facing. The seer asked for a boon that the entire lore, knowledge, sciences of the world be stored in his brain, thereupon the lord bestowed the boon on him and then disappeared. It was a new moon night the seer was sleeping in his hut besides the mountain. One mouse was gamboling and bustling about frolicking around the churner-mountain and suddenly the mountain fell on the seer’s head making him unconscious. When he regained his senses he realized that the entire lore, knowledge, sciences stored in his brain vanished and he suffered from dementia; since then till date we forgot everything. Our knowledge is forgotten one. Yes! Though we lost the knowledge, but our great seers and ascetics prayed Lord Ganesha and with his blessings we got magical charms that help us accomplish anything and everything. These magical charms are so called by the TV Channel as Ganesh Wani and frequently they keep telecasting it. The Lord Ganesha took upon him the responsibility since the mouse being his vehicle was at fault, so the lord obliged us with these magical charms. With this power we can do any thing. Tell me — What is your problem?

All the aliens went into dilemma and were seen utter confused, just then The Guru Maharaja reiterated, “Think over it, there is a lot of power in magical charms. People of my country spend their whole life depending on it, had this not existed ritual of living would not subsisted in my country. —– There is a tremendous power in our magical charms.

The aliens are totally baffled and perplexed and they are not in a position to understand anything, just then one senior alien got up gathering courage and sedately asked, “Could you please tell us as to what should be your Guru-Gift.”

— In my Guru-Gift you shall have to hand over your planet to me.

Barring the senior alien all other aliens turned into bright red light and that light began surrounding the earth-dweller and it grew dense and its gush was like inundation. Seeing this, the earth-dweller was in a great shock with fear. The senior alien began a dialogue with the Guru Maharaj, “You can fool your own people of the earth, you can’t befool us —— Use and apply all your strength and power of magical charms that you claim to posses to go back to your planet, the earth.”

The Guru Maharaja began whining for mercy, “Help me! Save me, —- Our magical powers are effective only on the earth and that too in our country — Please send me back on the earth.”


Just then the senior alien gave a gestural command and in a moment the whirlwind of light around the earth-dweller stopped. The senior alien came forward and addressed the earth-dweller, “You shall be sent back safely to the earth. We do not consider you as our foe; we all are members of this vast universe and progeny of same cosmic mother. We look different, but as per the laws of nature prevail, we too are blessed with brains and heart like you people. The bases of our ventures to the earth have sole intentions of extending our hands of friendship with you. As you know, the unions of two different elements give rise to third truth of a new compound. The philosophy of science is also the same like that of spirituality. You people have Trident, Shiva’s Trishula, Cross, Pyramids are the symbolic representation of the spirituality, where science and spirituality both are merged and fused in each other. We all are blessed with an innate virtue and sense to try and understand the mysteries of nature; yes, it is profoundly obscure subject and it is difficult to understand. For innumerous centuries the human is trying to unfold and unravel the mysteries. From the experiences of past you live in present and then the future emerges as a result of past and present combined. We wish to associate with the earth-dwellers as friends to explore the new dimensions of our quests, but whatever is happening today on the earth, it seems according to our studies and observation that the earth-dwellers have not left it fit and worthy for humans or to say, it appears that they fail to keep up the dignity and nobility of the earth besides this we are very much displeased and disappointed with the way your priggishness and self-centered mindset is in vogue; we feel that you all are more inhuman than being humane, which seems it is not left in you at all. We wish to advice the so called The Universal Gurus they should exert to make the earth worthy of living for humans and before that they themselves should become one. If this happens, we all should be very happy, then we shall definitely like to establish our association of love and friendship with the earth-dwellers, with this hope we look forward to meeting you whenever in future with almost pleasure. We were thinking earlier to completely wipe off your memory before sending you to the earth so that you should not remember anything on reaching there, but now we shall not do so. We are bidding you goodbye with lots of good wishes.

In a trice the glass jar in which the Guru Maharaja was kept turned into a rocket to reach him to his destination.  


The Satire Published in Nai Dunia and Aasvast.


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